Thank the mother of all gods that it's freaking friday... lame-a-tron.

On days I'm not very sure about most things, and I'm fairly certain that I'll never be sure about everything.
At least all at once.

This week has been a trail of so much.
It's been a test to every part of me.

Starting this new phase of my life I knew that it would be an up hill battle. I knew that it wouldn't be easy. But some days are better than the others and today I'm tired and worn out. Today I want to cry.

My body hurts. My period is missing. My mind is all over. No one has showed up for any of my classes.
It'll come. It's a process. This I know.
Still doesn't make it any easier.

I ate some bad food the other night and then went to bed. Fast, shitty, food is not my friend. It wasn't my friend when I ate meat and dairy - it really not my friend now. So I had night mares that people showed up to my class tonight and then they all abandoned me 15 minutes in. That terror turned into me becoming pregnant (which I'm not) and I cried and cried and cried.

This girl needs some therapy! SHOE therapy... damn. no. the real kind. crap.

But speaking of which, this next Thursday I'm going to a body worker to find out where it all went wrong. She is a talented woman who can look at your body and tell you what is so wacked out that you're not leaning to the left. (I'm now leaning to the left) I'm assuming it's a compounded mess that is the end result of years of back problems and poor posture.

I'm sure I'll update you on it.

This too will pass. But before it does  - this cloud of emotional doom just makes me shudder and whimper to myself.

At least tomorrow is spring.
Soon... ohhh... soon.

Good night!
And  - Om shrim maha lakshmiyei swaha

namaste
om

Death to TV

Over the past few months I've developed this great love hate relationship with my television. Most days I just want to launch the damn thing into the lake and be done with it. It takes up time, money and space in my life.

Yes, the item that went from close friend to becoming one of the biggest monkeys on my back.

If my husband is home the blasted boob tube is on ALL THE TIME. An example. As I sat feeding our son breakfast (at 7 am. "early to bed. early to rise") I was telling the boy how we could go to the park today and swing on the swings and slide down the slide.

From the other room I heard, "It should be a nice one! When I turned on the TV at 5:30 this morning..." and then I blacked out.

I try to stay impartial.
He's in love with the thing.
If he ever left me it would be for a 56" Sony Flat Screen.
It's his little Isle of Paradise.
Long day of work = ass on couch, remote in hand (or hidden so the little one doesn't eat it.)

And then it happens... we run through our night, baby, food, bath, and... ass on couch, remote in hand. And my butt is planted next to him.

Two years ago I just sat there.
Now I get so freaking antsy that after about a hour (tops) I have to get up. (This would also explain why my TV Blog is just a thing that sits there on the internet.)

"But I want to spend time with you." he tells me.

This isn't us spending time together. This is us sitting on the couch watching a bunch of stupid television shows I care little to nothing about. And you know what? Part of me feels bad saying that, because a very few of the shows I like, but I find if I forget their on... whatever... right?
And now it's in the 40's (at 5:30 in the morning, that's what the TV told my husband) so I REALLY don't want to be inside.

Maybe it's because I'm a stay at home mom these days and my house has become a coffin due to shitty weather and well, shitty weather. But now I'm doing the yoga thing and I'm writing every day and the sun is shining and I want to be out in it.

[there was a long time I didn't want to be in the sun because I was afraid it would age me - oh yeah, I TOTALLY know how vein that sounds. Now, I don't care. I like my gray hair. I love my wrinkles. They're my trophies that say, "HEY! I EARNED IT! GET THE FREAKING HELL OUTTA MY WAY!"]

breathe
breathe
breathe

I have 143 days left - forty of them will be spent in meditation. I would also like to have the first draft of my book done.

That said, I'm shutting my pie hole so I can shower and get with it.
You know, before I want to launch my blog out the window to sit on my law with the TV.

Yoga Class and Green Beer

I want to write this morning, but I feel I should be preparing for my class at 12:30. I need to meditate, read, relax and prepare.

I'm nervous. Can you tell?

Monday I taught my friend, which was nice, but today I'm hoping for actual students. Oh, students! Wonder what that will be like? LOL.

I started this week of with the intention of speaking about Satya, which is the second yama in yoga and it means "truthfulness." While I was still in training I spoke about Ahimsa or "non-violence" so I'm making my way through the "10 Commandments" of yoga (if you will) but lucky for me there are only 5 yamas.

:)

Next week: Asteya or "Non-Stealing"
Then: Brahmacharya - "Moderation" (or celibacy for the extremist)
And finally: Aparagrah - "Non-Position" just in time for the "Spring Cleaning" season!

Then I will make it over to the niyamas:
Saucha - purity
Santosh - Contentment
Tapas - Austerity
Swadhyaya - Study
Ishvar Pranidhana - Surrender

So you should come join me and get all sweaty as I talk about being honest to yourself!

Outside of the yoga madness I'm embracing today, it's also St. Patrick's day. Last year I went to the park with my son, this year - yoga, meditation and getting past page 55. I also think I'm going to go for a walk and then read a bit.

My week began with chaos mixed with all the lovely feelings of self doubt I tend to carry in my heart. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself. I've been trying to figure that out for years. I've actively forgave myself for some human mistakes I've made, so I guess the only thing I can do is wait longer.

Time heals all wounds, even the ones you think are impossible to heal.

Maybe it's the uncertainty of my future? Uncertainty is a hard thing - not having a known finish line is a hard thing. So, once again, I'll wait. I'll sit and meditate and wait and I'll see what comes next.

I'm hoping that I'll unexpectedly come into a few hundred thousands dollars so I can relax a bit more in that area... maybe I'll meditate on that... hmm... and then I'll eat.

Hope you have a wonderful and safe St. Patrick's Day!
And if you are from the area, come and detox with me for an hour from 12:30-1:30 at Traditional Martial Arts on Engle Road, in Middleburg Heights.

I bow to you - Namaste
OM
-A

Pity Party - table for 1 please!

I came on here to write about my day.
It was my first public yoga class - no one came.... no worries, I half expected that no one would. This isn't the problem.

The problem is my pity party. The pity party that is induced by yet another problematic encounter with random crazies.

"friends"

You see, I don't understand why I always fail in the "friend" department, but I do. It just is. You may even call it an "Epic Fail" due to the insurmountable quantity of these endeavours in my life.

It's embarrassing.

Like I said, this is a pity party, so I understand the need to flee - but alas the situation is still rather annoying. Things just always seem to work out this way for me, so that just leads me to believe I must be the issue, because who can't keep a friend?

Be it some weird fracture in my personality or the fact that they're just using me, doesn't change the fact that I'm at a loss.

(Want an umbrella for your drink? I have 8. It makes my sorrow juice looks super pretty...)

I'm trying the whole "bright side of life" thing but right now I'm more concerned with holding my pride near my heart as I remove the latest thorn.

I know 24 hours can change 1,000 different things - but for now I want to wallow and ask why, oh why, must I be the biggest loser on the planet? And then I want to go crawl under a blanket and hide. Till I'm 64.

In my next life... screw it - I'm coming back as carpet lint. At least then I won't be surprised when I get walked on.

Time to end this pity party...
enjoy your drink (mine tastes like watermelons with a hint of ego)

Just remember that you shouldn't be grabbing at the roses... just smelling them

Going out and catching up with old friends is always a fun time.
However, the hang over the next day is not.

But you do what you have to do, right? Having friendships is an important part of life - but sometimes I feel like I try to hard... even when I know I don't.

...

I was going to write a "Letter to No One" but, and I'm assuming this is the adverse affect of bad beer and very little sleep (I'm feeling a bit sappy and depressed) but I decided can't write it, because I'm not getting all humorous as I would like.

Instead I'm just crying into my Wheaties.

I supposed the past year I've dedicated to finding closure in various parts of my life could never be an obtainable goal. It would make me inhuman if I didn't have some sort of string or baggage following me around like a big old monkey on my back...

What it comes down to is that with certain people I openly allow myself to be misled - its not one of my favorite traits, but it is part of me. I see these people and think of a time so long ago it may have never really existed and I yearn for it again - but some friendships are just doomed from the beginning and then I throw my hat in and say that I feel this way because I've always been the one in control of my life.

And when you're the dumpee and not the dumper... its just old story.

As they say, time heals all wounds, but for some reason I always feel the need to pick at the scab of this one, just to make extra sure that it never heals right and when if finally does - I'll have a big honking scare that will be there to remind me of how I should be on guard - at all times.

Even when I don't want to.
Even though I think I shouldn't be that person.
How can you life a full life if you keep putting up walls and gates?

So yes, my drunken debauchery was filled with momentary laps of reasonable fun that I hoped would lead to more fortuitous momentary lapses but now I'm sit with a half written Letter to Someone I'll never give it to them, a tottering feeling in my belly that is taking over and this need to go eat a bunch of chocolates before I dry off my Wheaties...

Back to meditating and writing.
I like them.
I love them.

good night.

Writing, breathing and meditation

I've been writing a lot this past week.
I'm very proud of myself and after I'm done here I'm going to get back to it. Back to tapping keys and making pretty words so that one day you can pick up a copy of this gem at your local mega book store. (or buy the ebook)

Chaos is a fabulous thing that acts as a whirlwind in my life. It's like a tiny tornado that lifts me off my feet and whirls me around until I'm not sure where I end or life begins.

I start teaching on Monday - this is a beautiful thing and I feel I may burst at the seams just thinking about it.
My son is getting better at walking - as long as he can hold on tight to my hands. I can't say I mind. I like when he holds on tight to me, because I can hold on tight right back.
My husband is writing again - this is so very thrilling. Writing is the thing that brought us together. It's the reason we ever even spoke at all.

The week's move so fast and this pay check to pay check life is wearing to say the least but, still, most days I'm happier than I ever was when I could just drop $200 cuz I was bored. Which I was a lot.

That all said - I'm feeling a bit disconnected these days.
I need to meditate.
I used to do it every night - now I don't. Now I say I need to meditate, and I don't.

Tonight I pulled out my book, the book I first meditated from and tonight - after the writing that will be coming next (:)) I'm going to go meditate. You should join me. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do and it's one of the most worthwhile.

Kinda like kids!

Actually, it's just like that. Those thoughts in your brain that you collect from day in and day out of living life just collected like rain drops in a bucket - and when you pay no attention to that bucket, sooner or later it's going to over flow. So you sit down and meditate - you sit and watch those drops of rain and decide which ones to keep in your bucket and which ones are just muddying up your brain.

Looking that intimately at yourself is hard.

But let me tell you this.
Once I looked at myself so closely, like I was watching to make sure my son doesn't chew on electrical cords... (it was a long day) you can do other things.
Since I started meditating I've reestablished relationships with old friends - one of which I've known since I was 7 - we talk nearly every day. Another I've known for 10 years. And I just made a new friend by chance on Facebook of all places.

Me. Miss "I only talk to the people in my group"
What group?

I went back to school to become a yoga instructor.
Me. Miss "You'll only see me running if somethings chasing me"
My butt and so many other things have chased me.

It started here.
It moved to meditation.
And who knows what's next?

So give it a try.

Breath in and out and count to 10, like this:
Breath in - 1 - breath out
Breath in - 2 - breath out

If something pops into your head - note it and just let it pass.

It'll all be there when you're done. Trust me.

With each long deep breath in think LET
With each long deep breath out GO

Time to write - time to meditate - time to let go...
good night.

Keep on keeping!

I find that I'm coming on here and I'm blogging about this and that and when it comes time for me to stop - I 'save now' instead of posting....

Am I becoming overly timid?

I'm not very sure what the deal is. But I've turned my blog into a Doogie Hauser online diary that, well, I already have that - its called MS Word.

I've been so busy lately most days I'm just running like a crazy woman. Between my classes starting in less than a week to writing daily, catching up with old friends, going to a reunion to catch up with more old friends, meeting a new on on Monday, having a meeting tonight, then the normal baby/husband, eating, sleeping and what-have-you... all I can do is smile.

Sound funny doesn't it?

My husband worked 3rd shift on Monday so yesterday he was home. We had the grandparents take the little one and just spent (most) of the day together. (I had a massage in the morning that I wasn't going to miss!!) We went for a walk and discussed which was longer, last winter or this one.

I said last winter.
He said this one.

This one flew by for me. Between yoga school, blogging, being a mom through and through, and just finally getting my shit together - this crappy cold and snow ridden winter is nearing it's end. (and yes I know that last sentence will invoke bad weather for the next week or so. Simply put, I don't care.)

I came on here one night and cried my way through a bad time. I listened to you, who I do consider my friends. No, maybe we won't be meeting up at the corner bar anytime soon, but I don't think that definition is the only one for friends. People who read sappy blogs and then comment, regardless, you're all angels. LOL!

But now I'm getting timid...

Isn't it funny how its easy as hell to share the bad stuff but the good stuff... no... then I feel like I'm bragging. But I'm not.

I like being busy and writing every day. I love yoga and the anticipation in my soul about next Monday. I don't even mind that much that I'm walking off a head cold. (I do mind a little, just not that much...)

I think the funniest part is, right now I have a lot of reasons to not be happy - but they're all material. At some point something changed and that doesn't matter. So I can't afford a new outfit for my night out on Saturday, whatever. I'll make do, I always do!

And I'm sure it'll be fun! (if you don't remember the last time I had a night out... read here.)

And I promise I'll blog about it next week!

monday

I just finished eating a homemade burrito. This is the third day of the same food.
I know what you're thinking... why?
And the answer is simple. I made enough food to feed six people and it was all for myself - SO - I'm going to be eating it for a while. Mostly I don't mind.

I like homemade burritos.

I've been working hard at getting my life together, the on going process of the last year or so is now cumulating and things should be at peace soon. Just have to keep working at it and then I can't really complain - because at least I tried, right?

Well, this is officially the shortest blog in this history of me - my son just woke up.
And that would be the shortest nap of his life...

lol... Oh well!
maybe I'll be back.
maybe I'll go read more of The Road.

maybe, maybe, maybe

156 left to go - FREEDOM

There are 365 days in a year and I'm at 156 days left.
How is it that we think a year is long? What changes to make us see it's just a blink of an eye?
Yes, it's growing up, but I never felt it until my son. I never accepted it until I started this journey, forcing myself to look at the world and better yet, to look at myself.

Because we don't do that do we? We don't stop and look at ourselves.

We look at our bills, our houses, our cars. We look at our friends and our families but we don't look inside, god only knows what the hell we will find.

No one wants to stop and find out that they're the asshole in the room, they'd much rather it be that guy over there. You know, the one with the hat?

Time moves so fast and we freak out at 30 because we think we're "old." - 30 isn't old. 30 isn't the tip of the iceberg. We are mere children who were raised by TV shows that said we should be this, that and the other thing in this neat time frame and if we don't do that - god help us, everyone.

156 days - that's less time then I was in training to be a yoga teacher and look how fast that went?!

So heres what you do:
#1 - forgive yourself for what ever it is you are abusing yourself over. You are you and that is great. There are to many phonies in this world that are filled with nothing but a vacuous thoughts. Be different. Be crazy. Be weird. Just be you. AND stop apologizing for it.

#2 - forgive them. Who ever they are. That person that you are still holding a grudge against or a flame for or whatever it is. It is what it is and it's over so build a bridge and get over it. You can't change the pass - it's over - so wave your hand in the air and brush it away. Today is now. Not whenever that thing happened.

#3 - there is so much out there that is freaking sweet. So many people you have yet to me. What's that saying? "A stranger is a friend you haven't met yet." Think of all the new things you'll learn. The new places you will go. The idea on it's own is so exciting. Embrace it. Love it.

#4 - those people you love and never tell you love them because they "know" you love them. Tell them. Buy them a coffee. Get them some flowers. Show up with a 6 pack, but tell them you love them. They need to hear you say it and you need to hear you say it. Then hug them. There is nothing wrong with hugging.

#5 - just be. Life really is like a river. The flowing and at time raging Mississippi. You can NOT control its current, so why the hell are you trying? Just get on your wooden raft and float off with Jim to freedom. When you spend all your time trying to control it or trying to figure out what other people are doing or why are people are doing what they're doing - you miss it.
Don't miss it. It's awesome.

It isn't tomorrow. It's right now.
It's 10:36pm on a Friday night on blogger where you're expressing how much you've learned.

I've learned the above.
I've learned that I'm not afraid to say "I love you" to whomever I love - regardless.
I'm not afraid to be me.
I like me. HOLY CRAP! I LIKE ME!

That thing that used to sit in my stomach, that thing that used to tear me apart, it's gone.

We hold things so close because we're so afraid to lose them, but we don't accept that what they say is true, to be free you have to just let it all go.
If it's meant to be, it'll be back.
And when it happens you'll smile and you'll think, "go me!"

~sigh~

Go MEE!!!

Be

before the end
there will come a time
when I am yours
and you are mine
we will see the light
we will know the truth
we will be together
endless timeless youth
we will be
we will be
we will be nothing
when the time grows short
and panic sets in
will you be right here
will you be my friend
will you be around
at all

I never can say

so I just sit here
and contemplate
whirl it around
what will I rate
and do I even want to
know in the
end

I fear the answer
is the same as before
and I close the windows
and every door
just to be as safe
as I can possible be
hidden away
but not trapped
I know what it's like
not to be free

I'd rather walk away
and just...

yes

before the end
there will come a time
when I am yours
and you are mine

but
right now
my head is
saying
no

The Art of Blogging

When I started doing this five years ago it was nothing more than a joke, a way to make my friends laugh who "followed" me on myspace. I spent most of my time ranting and raving about a number of things from stupid new articles to the weather and very much everything else in between.

But let's be honest, there really is an art form to blogging.

When I moved over to here- to blogger, a year ago in January, it was a venting platform - it still is.
When I have conversations with people about "blogging" in the real world, what it is, what its about. I stand by my words that it's the future - not so much the diary aspect of it - but our media will be here, online, long after the last trees has been pulped into paper that blank ink letters are stamped into it.

[That will be an interesting day seeing the Logging Industry is such a little "go getter" our economy... but hey - they'll just make paper pants or something.]

So what is blogging?
What is there to blog about?
Why should YOU blog too?

Like I said - this is my ranting platform. I come here to tell my woeful tales to those who will listen. Some days it's funny, some days its sad, some days its a poem and some days I'm not even sure I know what it is. But this is me - I don't have a funny take on the current Administration, I don't want to only write about yoga (even though I do a lot) - I don't want to hand out tips on how to raise your children (I'm sure my "every things better when you're upside down" parenting theory won't make the next revision of "What to Expect When You're Neurotic") I just have my daily life that is very much just a normal daily life.

You can use your art to blog about whatever you want. Puppies or cupcakes. Pirates or Marauders. Weather or Canning. The choices are unlimited.

I think the hardest thing is finding the time to do it. Yes, some weeks there are many pockets of moments to steal from my other responsibilities, but then there are days like today where it's just me running with my hands by my ears so I can bat the bad away as I make it to the finish line.

I think I'll just keep my art form to the subtleties my life.
Of my son standing.
Of an unexpected text from an old friend.
Of a song that just sings through me.

The Art of Blogging keeps me sane and yes, maybe some days what I talk about mean little or nothing to you (my reader), or maybe there is that day when what I say is some how a mirror of your life but in the end I hope its both. Yes it saves me, but I hope that it somehow saves you too.

A twist of words that carry you through the air until you finally realize that you've learned nothing new, because I find with those moments you'll find most things that mean everything to you.

Why should you blog? How do you know you should?
If you've ever considered it for even a moment you should blog. There is someone out there that wants to hear you - even if it's just one person from a suburb just outside of Cleveland proper. :)

I write today because of this blogs
I write today because of you

So when you read a title of a blog and it sounds like the content is going to tell you to NOT do something because it's an art - jump inside because we're all artists in our own right. Maybe my art ins't for you and your's isn't for me - but it's still art.

My five minutes of freedom is up.
good night

the who and the what; the where and the when

Sometimes I think
about the who
and the what
the where
and the when
I grow sad because I didn't
do this or that
even though I realize
I didn't for a reason
even though I know
I'm not yet dead
there is still time
reasons always change
or just go
away

I think of the who
and the what
the where
and the when
I wonder what
it would have been like
I wonder what
and I close my eyes
tighter than you should
so the images popped
brighter
it all plays like a movie
from 1903
skipping and jumping
scratched to
high hell

and there it is
the who
and the what
the where
and the when

in faded black and white
cepitone with captions
in reflection of a
repetitively doomed life

thank god
those moments
pass
too

Step 1 - COMPLETE! And on to the next...

Yesterday I completed my yoga teacher training. Yes, I am officially a yoga teacher trainer and that means you need to hire me to teach you yoga.

SO HIRE ME ALREADY!

Now I'm going to start writing again. Writing and reading and cleaning my house that was hit by that tsunami that was supposed to hit Hawaii. Yes, CNN, it hit my living room, dining room, most of my kitchen and let's not forget the bathrooms.

Holy hell. That's all I can say about that.

I'm in the best mood and I'm sad at the same time because, yes, now my weekends are MY WEEKENDS again but I no longer have a simple reason to see some pretty awesome chicks. To say this experience changed my life may sound cliche but it did. It made me a better and more positive person. It makes me smile. It makes me look in the mirror and NOT hate the chick staring back at me.

One of my oldest friends wrote me today telling me she is tired of being around people that just don't make her smile, and I think that she and I are not the only two people out there that feel this way. Due to responsibility and life we find ourselves in theses situations that are negative. That make us feel like bad people and like we have to do bad things to live the "life."

If you aren't in that situation, look at those people around you and thank them.
Tell them you love them.

But now I must go! I had planned on writing a long blog, but my house... well, you read the opening to this... its just no good!

SMILE!

And the test is over!

Have you ever found yourself sitting at your computer taking at test, and you know the test isn't open book but your books are RIGHT THERE and you think to yourself, "Self... should I cheat?" So you reach for the books for a second and then you put them back. Why? 'Cause over all, you're not an jerk.

Then time passes.

And then you think, "Self... who's gonna know?" And you start reaching again, when this loud voice starts screaming in your head, "YOU! YOU'LL KNOW YOU FREAKIN' CRAZY WOMAN! JUST LEAVE THE BOOKS ON THE FLOOR, FINISH THE TEST AND HAND THE DAMN THING IN!"

Have you?

Yeah... me neither.

sometimes

sometimes it gets to me

the voices in my head

they win

they play me over

and over again

until I can't take it

I give in 

even when I know I shouldn't

I give in

because I'm tired

yet I smile

the smile is the 

only thing we

have to 

carry us through

smile at someone

hold a door

I'll do that tomorrow

when the test is done

when I can breathe again

and monday

sweet, sweet monday

a whole new game

the end

Slack a doodle dandy!!

On Sunday, two of my fellow classmates and I are teaching a class to the rest of our class. Our theme is "The Warrior" (shooting at the wall of heart ache - bang - bang - I am the warrior! I AM THE WARRIOR!)
So I'm looking up quotes online to use in my portion of the class.... the problem is I'm  nervous talker so chances are I'll just banter my way through and then end with a bad impression of Yoda into my teacher's ear as I give her a manual adjustment, "Do or Do Not there is no TRY!!"

Then she'll fail me for my bad impression.

But I'm studying!
Is yoga a religion? NO
What are the 5 Tenents of Jivamukti Yoga? Ahimsa, Scripture, Bhakti, Meditation and Nada
Why do choosy mom's choose Jiff? Because of marketing campaigns and their kids addiction to high fructose corn syrup.

See! I know it all!!

Out side of that, I need to start my research for my book. I should do that now. No, I WILL do that in a second, but I wanted to share a little something with you.

My son has allergies and he's a picky eater - the two together make for a lot of fun and a lot of me cooking things to get him to eat a bit healthy without the fuss of "Hey sweetie, EVERYONE loves spinach" sure they do... but he'll eat bread - like fruit breads. So I make a lot of pumpkin, banana and sweet potato bread.

Yesterday I ventured out into apple. This is what I came up with:

Preheat oven to 350.

8 tbsp butter (or butter alternatives like earth balance soy butter substitute)
1 cup sugar (I use unrefined sugar, about 1/2 cup and 1/4 agave, which is like honey)
2 eggs (or 1/2 apple sauce or I use Ener-G Egg replacer. There is apple sauce in this already so you may want to use the Ener-G Egg if you're replacing them at all)
2 apples peeled and chopped. (I put mine in an electric chopper to get the bits small, but not sauced)
2 tbsp milk (rice and soy work too)
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking power
1 tsp salt
1/4-1/2 cup cold water
1/2 apple sauce

cinnamon and sugar for sprinkling.

Start with the dry ingredients in one bowl and the wet in another (sugar should go with the wet) then blend the two. Fold in the chopped apples and if you need to add a little more water - have at it.

Dump it in a pan - sprinkle with the cinnamon and sugar and pop in the oven for about 20 minutes.

**Note** I don't use a bread pan, I use a flat cake pan - its just easer for me, so it bakes faster. I find with baking times, trust your nose. If it smells done, it probably is. Test it with a toothpick (or a knife), if the toothpick comes out clean - your bread is done!

Let it cool and then eat it all up! YUMMY!

[**Another NOTE** Even before I gave up eggs I used apple sauce in my baking. I make the bread extremely moist and delicious. Another good thing for this is sour cream (regular or fake). Just a quarter cup will kick butt. Also, if this is for your child that won't eat his veggies, I also add multivitamins to this and I use wheat flour - it's better for your liver. ENJOY!]

And now - back to the WARRIOR! HEART TO HEART YOU'LL WIN! IF YOU SURVIVE!! THE WARRIOR!  THE WARRIOR!!

the end

Ash

We have this cat who is, by far, the most annoying animal on the whole entire planet. I think that the gods sent him to me to try my patience daily. He likes to sit outside my sons room and "meewww" at the top of his lungs. This, if you're in any way wondering, is him playing.

Good Golly Miss Molly - SHUT UP!

I've been up since 3:50. I don't know why. I just couldn't sleep. I'm assuming it's because we didn't turn the heat down last night, actually I'm going to go with that IS the very reason. I mean, my hair was damp when I woke up - which is gross.

After fighting with myself for a half hour I decided to come downstairs and get some work done. Most of my day today is going to be filled with remembering yogic things, and that leaves little time to work on business stuff. You would think the house would be silent at 4:30 in the morning but no - the damn cat is running around "meeww! meeewww! meeewwwwww!"

This is followed by "JESUS CHRIST! SHUT UP ASH!!"

Why won't he just shut up?
Why god! Why?!!!

Anyone want a cat?
please....

Life: Taking you by storm and making you go... WTF?

Before you can totally understand life, you have to live it.

This seems rather straight forward. It's like the, "write what you know" advice everyone likes to hand out to you when you state, "I'm a writer." The advice is true, and it's very valid but when you don't understand what it means you won't get the results you want.

When I was seven, if you had told me to "write what you know" I probably have gone on a tirade about blowing things up (mostly eggs) in the microwave. My knowledge of said information was lengthy, which would explain the amount of time I spent on cleaning the microwave.  These days I can talk to you, in great detail, about many other things like changing who you are into the person you want to be. (Just to name one of many.)

My biggest comment/advice to make/give would be that the people from your past - there will be a pile of them who refuse to recognize that you've changed at all - they will only refer to you as they've known you and they will point at you when you say "weird" things. Things the old you would have mocked with them.

To each their own I say.

Everyone has their own cooking time, accepting this is a must if you plan to stay friends with people you feel you're growing away from. It may have taken you 3 hours at 475 degrees to get here, but it may take them 8 hours at 350 to catch up with you - all you can  be is patient. Encompass it. Accept it. Assimilate it into your life and for the love of god, stop opening the oven door - you're only letting the heat out and making the time move slower.

As my grandma would say, "Water takes forever to boil when you watch. Put a lid on it and go watch TV!"

My other bit of advice is simply: Trust yourself.

After being angry for a better part of my life - and boy did it show in all the little things I did and said and all the lovely road blocks I put up in my life - when you find something that just puts you at peace... well, its just weird. I mean, I know I did shitty things in my life. Seriously, I'm 34 and no - age and being mean don't go hand in and but I don't know many (if any) people my age that hasn't done at least one crappy thing in their life - so while my list isn't overly extensive, it's still there, and the funny thing about yoga is that it is the oven at 475 that brought me here.

There is no real way for me to explain what yoga is - I can - I have - but at the end of the day it's an unsuspecting event that over takes your life and brings you some place you didn't realize ever existed. It takes all those years of trying and *poof*! No its not a magic act or a "fix" but its a life style that makes you scratch your head. In a good way.

Sometimes I feel like it choose me and not the other way around.
And now my first level of study is almost done and my nerves are shot...

Yesterday I studied for 3 hours on the the 42 questions of my Practice Test for Yoga Teacher Training and today I feel like my brain is mush and the only thing I retained is "The 3 A's of Anusaura Yoga are: Attitude, Action and Alignment" and "The 3 Doshas are Vatta, Pitta and Kapha"

My 9.5 hours of sleep where delightful and needed (plus I had a cool dream) but Friday is nearly here and in the small amount of time that bridges this moment to that one I have 3 classes to take, one to teach and I have to figure out the other 40 questions that range from: What are the names of the 4 books in the Yoga Sutras? to Translate and give commentary on Yogash Chitta Vritti Nirodah.

My heart is pounding and my breaths are growing shorter with each key stroke I make on this page. The two sides of my brain are yelling and laughing at each other while I sit in the middle and try to understand any of it.

This, my friends, is me living my life - and it scares me. Moments like this - moments when I look at 42 questions that make me feel that I may fail this portion of my life causes me to long for the days when I was just angry, because angry me never failed, angry me never tried, angry me was just lazy and, well, angry. These thoughts make me pull out my libra scales and start weighing the pros and cons of the two lives that I carry inside this one body and the question I ask is always the same:

"Do you want to be mad, lazy, angry and safe or scared shitless and some how so much more content?"

And then the answer is the same too.

"Being scared is terribly difficult because it forces me to let go, and when I finally do let go so much great stuff seems to happen." Decision made.

In my awesome crazy dream last night I was sitting at this counter - to my left were these two young woman and to my right was this man (I don't know who he was, but he was my friend). I heard the one woman make some comment about being afraid and I said to her, "The scary thing about life is knowing you have to jump off that cliff and you have to trust that your wings will come out before you hit the ground. But they will. They always come at the right moment."

(the internalization of my fear of failure seems to arise whenever it wants - even when I sleep. lol)

Yes, there are some things in life I will never understand but over all its better to try, so in the end you can at least understand a large portion of it. It's better to allow those scary feelings to move you forward then let those angry ones hold you back.

I mean, hell, life's going to keep moving with our without you - you may as well go along for the ride, right?

Just know it always works out, so why get all flustered over it?
See, when I take my own advice I feel so much better. My heart is now at ease, and that means I can now wash my face, eat some breakfast, drink a little coffee and figure out that Yogash Chitta Vritti Nirodah means "The Restraint of the modifications of the mind stuff is yoga."

Yes, it means that yoga is what helps you change and refine your mind.
Like I said - life style

~Namaste

Why is my coffee cold?

In the morning coffee should be hot and I mean HOT. It should carry the potential to burn off the first layer of skin on my upper lip, but be so delicious I don't notice because I'm sipping a cup that is the essence of pure joy.

And yes, my coffee is currently cold.

It's been a long haul and the end is in sight, not with injury though. Yes, last night I spent a better part of my evening scanning in my homework to, later, send to my teacher only to receive an email telling me that I just needed to hand it to her on Friday.

That was 3 hours well spent. In those 3 hours I could have:

- Laid on my couch and watched the PBS version of Persuasion that air last night (as I iced my hip bones - some yoga poses)
- Went to bed at a reasonable hour - like 8 or 5 even 2pm. (I wasn't even home at 2pm... blurg)
- Read more of Scott Pilgrim, Young Samurai - the way of the sword, or one of the other 326 books I'm in the process of reading right now
- Eaten 4 or 5 cans of these, even though I only have the one.
- Or even fininshed working on that pesky weather machine that I have in my basement... but no.

Here's a little something about the yoga in my life that you should know. There is rhyme and reason but it looks and smells nothing like the rhyme and reason of my past life. It snuggly fits into the more chaotic part of my psyche, which is wonderful, but after 34 years of programming, "You will do this. It will be in this order. You have twenty minutes. If you're late I will blow you up." (That was brought to you by the robot that lives in my head. Yes, tired.) After that long it's hard to accept this new form of chaos in my life and I fall back on the regiment I know and then fall out of place.

At least I think I do. My fellow classmates seem to like me and think I'm a good student. I was speaking with one of them about a project we have due this very last weekend of training, when I commented about the 3 weeks where I went back and forth on dropping out she said, "But you're the best student!" She also added that it made her feel better because if I couldn't take it... then she started sputtering on how it wasn't meant as an insult... it was a sweet back road compliment.

I don't ever see myself as those things. I'm still working on seeing my self in a happy light - I always point out the bad in me. The failure. I assume we all do this to ourselves. Mostly I don't feel this is a bad thing, I think it causes you to change and grow, but at the same time, if you get to overly critical you'll just end up wearing a straitjacket and bouncing your head off big old white padded walls...

Ohhhhh! What would life be if not a convoluted mess? It really would be quite boring would it not?

Moving on... I was looking at my "list" and my little count down clock that is positioned to the left of this lovely post today and now realize that today I will be busting even more butt to get things rolling. The writing project I'm doing should (essentially) be easy because the story already has a beginning, middle and end - but seeing that the origins are not mine, I have this hidden fear my prodigy for character banter and development may end up insulting my husband.  My gut tells me to just "go with it" and to see what comes out of it. Maybe it will be better than he hoped and if it's not - that's why there are drafts...

I thought about this a lot the other night. (the one where I slept 3 hours. 1 hour here - two hours much later). And seeing that another one of my "thangs" on that list is to listen to my gut (don't think I posted that one on my list but this is a big issues I have. I let my brain get in the way too much and let me tell you, that is the organ that gets me in trouble the most. That and my endocrine system. Wanna know what my gut is telling me now? It's telling me that joke wasn't funny. And it wonders why I don't listen to it... it's sense of humor is terrible...) anyway, when I do listen to my gut I'm a lot happier, and as laid back as I like to be. Which is pretty laid back. I'm not a fan of the harpies out there so I really don't want to be one.

My god. Is any of this making any sense?
OK, I'll give the non-commentary version here on out. (And yes, it won't nearly be as much fun.)

So I decided to start listening to my gut. All you gut listeners will agree with me when I say, this is just freaking awesome. I suddenly feel like the Medium in that show The Medium. It works out well when I stick to it. When I DON'T... I get speeding tickets, the first one in 18 years. Actually, the first speeding ticket ever. The only other ticket I've ever received was for "failure to control vehicle" - when I go, I go big.

But the gut thing seems to be going well. Most things seem to be going well... I'm still getting used to that too! LOL! Isn't it funny how we (generic we) find it easier to live in the misery we know and are at comfort with than to take that leap to find the greatness that is inside of all of us?
It's probably because we have to jump off that cliff with blind faith and pray that our wings will spread in enough time that we don't face plant on the rocks blow...

No one wants to be the bloody guy at the bottom of the pit.
Mostly because it's tacky.

I have to nap now.
Swaha

-A

The only time it really matters is when that voice in your head keeps you up at night. Which is terribly annoying.

In general, it just comes down to this.
I'm tired.
But we knew that now didn't we?

I say this, again, because it's just some deep down seeded need to overly explain the obvious to you, my lovely readers. I, as an insult to one of my idols [Mr. Einstein], feel the need not to heed his advice and to IN FACT do the same repetitive things over and over [more efficiently each time] in order to progressively stand as still as I possibly can.

Ah... yes. I am ever so redundant in explanations, even after the fact.

I feel myself move forward, I most ingenuously do, but I suppose it's not moving fast enough in the time line that is my life, as I would like it to...

Suddenly I sound ungrateful for things and that isn't the case. I am grateful and I do feel blessed - but when you grow tired your mind begins to turn all perverse and flippin weird....

My mind begins to cultivate slightly in the direction of a traverse psychedelic and all together mystically odd nature. [I just "don't get it" if you will]

GOSH DARN THAT SURE IS GOOD!

So I'm here. I wish I was here more often and I wish I could write on a normal, more regulated basis - but there is just too many things I need to do in a very short amount of time and I feel like Dorothy and all I can hope for is that my technicolor will be just as bright as hers was - is not brighter - and that I won't spend the entire trip there grasping the walls of my dilapidated gray shack screaming for my mother.

I would surly miss out on all the swirling grays and blacks and whites and witches, and the really, where is the fun in that?

If it were easy it wouldn't be life - it would be a sitcom pilot.
If it were simple it wouldn't be me.

Tomorrow I teach my last class as a student. Then the next week I'll spend studying my little list of questions for my class this weekend. Wednesday I have a practice class with two other girls that we are to present in front of everyone with a camera pointed in our direction. Sunday I receive my certificate.

Then the void begins.

It will all work out.
It always does.
I will be fine.
I always am.
Tomorrow the sun will shine.
One step closer.

Tonight... I should go to bed
but maybe I'll just sleep right here...

sanity is for everyone else.
insanity is just so much more "funner"

nite