Upon my quest for the realization of what death is in my life, and in life in general, I've found that I don't know shit.

I don't.

I'm starting to feel like I've tripped down the rabbits hole and landed right on the Mad Hatter's table of obnoxious delights. And I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
The riddles are making my freaking head hurt and all I wish is that I could get to that field of mushrooms so I can take a few bites and forget who I am - a vacation from myself.

How nice.

I supposed its like living in the middle of nowhere you're entire life and then one day having someone drop you off on the corner of Madison and 29th in NYC and saying, "Good luck!" as they pull away from the curb.

The ying/yang pull of my life is making it hard to breath. Going from the weekend of being cloistered inside a yoga studio with other yoga students and teachers and then our release back to the screaming western world that has a television on every wall and someone yelling at you on it.

Find peace.

That was the point of my 1 year transformation of death meditation - or whatever I want to call it.

I've spent this time, these 121 days writing - searching - reading - learning - giving up - giving away - self actualizing - and on - and on - and on... and on... and right now I'm tired and light headed and confused and these mood swings are screwing with me and I hate it.

This is what I've learned:
- Humanity blows. Examples? Amanda Knox. Yes, everyone is so overly obsessed with stupid ass Tiger Woods. I say whatever to that - look at Amanda Knox. She was jealous of someone so she killed her... I'd much rather she just slept around.
Another example? If I have to hear one more person tell me that Tiger Woods is "Such an asshole for doing that to his poor wife..." I'm going to scream.
#1 - you only know PART of the story.
#2 - that part you know is from the media, and they're not really known for being totally truthful...
#3 - who the hell gives a shit? You will never meet him or her and do NOT sit there and tell me if you could sleep with a ton of hot women (or men) you wouldn't. Anyway, I'm sure he was doing the same thing before he was married.

Build a bridge and get over it. No ones perfect. That includes me and you...

- If someone says the word "god" most people freak out. What does this mean? From here on out when I'm talking about the "higher power" I'll be referring to it as "Taint" because at least then people will laugh.

I can deal with laughter.

I've spent my whole life saying I'm agnostic - I still believe that. I still AM that. I believe in something but I can't say that he looks like a big white old dude in white robes or some woodsy long haired goddess with birds on her shoulders, I believe in something bigger and it gets overly wordy to say that every damn time I talk about my belief system. So I've recently started to use the word god. I would like you to notice the small "g" - that says something all on it's own.

But  no worries, from here on out, please notice the small "t".

- The general population (in America) finds yoga to only be acceptable for women. <- this is lame.

- The general population (in America) thinks that the soul purpose yoga to have a nice ass. This is a nice side effect, I won't lie - but - there is more to it. I can't explain it, and even if I tried I'd have to refer to the higher power (aka - taint) and I'm no in the mood right now. I've had too many eyes rolled at me in the last 24 hours to speak further in this area at this time.

- People not only fear change, they think that they can trick death into never coming. Bad news world. Every relationship you ever have with any living thing will come to an end. What should you get from this? Appreciate what you have when you have it. Stop look to the past to lay blame or to the future. The story ends the same for all of us.

Its like that movie I love to hate "P.S. I love you." Say it when you're alive jackass.

Maybe if we took time to understand death we wouldn't be afraid of it. It's just that simple.

- There are a ton of women out there that can't say the word Vagina. It's a medical term AND part of your body. Really? VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA! (in general this is something that has always pissed me off, and I figured if I was making a list today - I may as well add it on. VAGINA.)


I'm so overly frustrated and tired at this moment it's just unreal. I wish I could properly explain to you why I'm so irritated but I can't seem to find the words and you know what? I'm angry at all of the world right now. I'm angry at those overly hippy new age morons that make yoga look like an institution for people who are more into getting high on LSD and saying stupid ass trippy things like "I can feel the cosmos in my little pinky! I'M IN MY LITTLE PINKY!" because they make it hard for the mass quantity of people to understand that it's not LIKE THAT.

Yes. I've had some trippy things happen to me since I've started this.
I'm sure you've had trippy moments in your life too.

We don't talk about stuff like that because we see it as a weakness. Let me rephrase - I DON'T talk about stuff like that because it makes me feel weak and stupid and I don't feel like having people look at me oddly.


I'm pissed off at people that won't give yoga or things that aren't 100% western, scientific or touchable, A.K.A. Skeptics, a chance. There is more to this world than assuming the title role of Doubting Thomas.

You're just as bad as the other variety that are spinning in circles and discussing peyote.


In the end I shouldn't even be on here right now. I have so much homework to do that I should be doing that, but I'm not. I'm on here venting.
I'm venting because I stopped and I looked down, even after I was told not to.
I'm venting because I stopped and looked at the finish line and realized that even in 244 days, the end is really no where in sight. And that is so daunting that it makes me sad and crazy...

I lost sight.
And I just looked at the clock and realized that I just lost an entire day too.

Isvarapranidhanad Va
or as my grandmother would say, "Let go and let god."
but in my case... I guess it's let go and let taint.

suddenly tainted love has a whole new meaning.