To be frankly honest, I started off this weekend tired and worn, but through perseverance and shear prayer I made it through. My legs hurt, my abs are killing me and my back feels like someone beat me down with a baseball bat - but I made it through.
At least that's what I thought.
I THOUGHT I made it through.
I THOUGHT that I was fine.
I think a lot of things.
In yoga or meditation, the sanskrit term for this is "chitta vritti." What that is are the 1,000 of thoughts that dance throughout your head and just disrupt things in your life. Some days my chitta vritti is nice - just a tapping of words entangled with my normal life. Some days my chitta vritti is just plain evil.
Tonight I watched Julie & Julia (I know my flow is off, but it'll connect, you just have to wait for it. Promise.) and while on one hand I write this blog solely for myself, it would still be nice to know others read me. (To paraphrase Truman Capote in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" [the book] Writers WRITE to be read.)
If you are not familiar with this movie its the story of a young woman in NYC in 2002-03 intertwined with the story of Julia Child - the late great cooking sensation that taught American Housewives that they too could be amazing chefs. The story follow Julie Powell who blogs her way through a year and all the recipes of Julia Child's cook book, "The Art of French Cooking."
Everyone tells me how I have to see this movie. It's just "beautiful" and so "wonderful" and even "empowering."
I've been meaning to watch it for some time, actually, I've wanted to see it IN the theater - but alas - I don't see movies in the theater. It would probably be easier for me to reenact the storming of Normandy in my bathroom.
But tonight I decided to rent it from my cable.
Have you seen this movie?
Have you seen this delight?
It is. It is truly a delight.
I love Amy Adams. I love Meryl Streep. I've seen tons of their movies. I've even seen Doubt - which still blows my mind when I think about it. (And the state that I'm dragging and drowning myself in.)
So what is it?
Why was I sitting on my couch crying as I watched this flick?
Did the content just set me over the edge? Could it be that I associated myself with these lovely people? Maybe it was the blog...?
No.
What made me cry? (I am SO not proud at this moment.) What made me cry was that I feel like this uphill battle I walk is not getting me anywhere. I look around and see all these people who are so much MORE than me - who are BETTER than me and I don't like me very much.
I don't like that I feel like this. I don't like that I start things and don't end them (another fine theme of the moving picture show that sent me into tears). I don't like that I can only see the shitty, shitty side of me.
In yoga I see how I CAN'T get my ribs up. I CAN'T get my thighs back.
In writing I see how I DON'T have the amount of readers I FEEL I should.
I DON'T have anything!
I have pages of unfinished stories and 2 billion ideas that I proably won't see thought because I'm too busy watching other people movies and in my head I scream very, very loudly, "WHEN IS IT MY TURN?!!!"
What DO I have? (In writing)
Let's see... I have this blog... (my other blogs are not a priority any more that I neglect them in indescribable ways.)
I have... my journal? (I know! There are THINGS that I DON'T write on here! HA!)
I have - I don't know what I have, because if I DID I wouldn't be writing this right now, would I?
It's like I can feel this special thing inside of me, I know I'm supposed to do something wonderful - but what?!
I just don't know any more. I'm just staring to think it's a big lie, and the liar is me. Stupid old me... I'm lying to myself... maybe all those people out there were right to just find a job and stop trying... NO!! No...
Why am I so damn pathetic right now?
Maybe it's the wine.
Maybe it's that I'm tired.
Maybe it's because my legs hurt so bad...
Maybe I'm just making up excuses to brush aside that I'm jealous that I don't think enough people like me...
And the pep rally begins in the gym in 15 minutes...
Having doubt in myself it too easy.
If I can't believe in me... crap... if I can't.. than why should anyone else...
Chitta Vritti, Julie & Julie, and so many other things... for me it leads to doubt.
This is mean weak
and you're welcome.
5 comments:
1st, I think you feel the way many of us do...You just posted it...And I think most of us beat ourselves down...We rarely see the good in us, but never have a problem seeing it in so many others...
2nd, Doubt was amazing!
3rd, We got Julie &Julia for X-mas...Now I have to watch it...
4th, here's Julie's blog...
http://juliepowell.blogspot.com/
I've been following it for some time now...I try to use it to push myself...One day I'll out sell her...
Have another glass of wine, on me!
Doubt really was amazing. The structure and debth of Meryl Streep's character still blows me away.
And I know you're right. One day we'll get that drink.
Watch Juile & Julia with the wife. It's a good hubby/wife movie. And thanks for the link. I'll check it out tomorrow.
Oh! And yes, one day you will. Out sell her I mean.
Okay, I read this blog through the link that you provided in your most recent post, The Hard Life I Build for Myself. (For some reason I never saw this one come up on my blog list of blogs I follow, but at any rate - I'm here now to comment even thought it's 2 weeks late.)
My thoughts...
1. I don't know you personally and probably never will other than through blogger/twitter, but I like you, and I like you because you possess a quality that 99% of people in this world lack - complete openness. Through your writing, those who are fortunate enough to read your work can see the real you behind the keyboard - you put every ounce of your being into your words, and that is what makes you such an excellent writer - and no one can take that away from you.
2. I can identify with only seeing what you can't do - I do the exact same thing to myself. I look at what I don't have/do rather than focusing on what I have. So even though I don't know how to follow my own advice, my advice to you is to look at the positives. You have a great blog, and you are doing something (yoga) that I would in a million years never be able to do. I can't even bend over and touch my toes. (Hell, in 5 years I probably won't even be able to see my toes, let alone touch them.) In short - you're not as "shitty" as you may think you are (in my opinion, anyway). Yes, you may have pages of unfinished stories - but at least you were gutsy enough to start them, most people never even make it to that point.
3. You know you're supposed to do something wonderful - but if you ask me you're already doing it by sharing yourself with the world through this blog. That's something to be commended for because most people shudder at the thought of even revealing their last name, much less their deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings of self-doubt.
Speaking of Doubt, it is a great movie - one of the best I've seen. Julie & Julia was excellent as well.
And for the record: I may not comment as much as I should, but I can guarantee you that you have at least one faithful reader out there.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you for the kind words. I should comment on the blogs I read more often too, but I don't.
It's rather too easy to see the positive things in everyone elses lives but your own. I'm not overly proud of this moment, but the one promise I made when I relocated this blog to blogger was that I would be true to myself and honest to everyone else, even when it's not pretty.
Like when I wrote this one...
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